𝑴𝒊𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒆 𝑶𝒃𝒂𝒎𝒂 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒏 𝒗𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒊𝒛𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔

Gross moaning (or e'ening, as it is here - thanks Cloudfare). I greet you well.

I dunno about you, but I can't wait to get out of bed in the mornings so I can get on with a rewarding day of oppressing the black folks.

Trouble is, it's so difficult to find anywhere new to oppress them.

As we all know, the English (and, apparently, the Welsh) countryside is racist. The NHS is racist. Dogs are racist. Climate change is racist. There's not much that isn't.

I'm due at the hospital for an inspection by my consultant in an hour or so, and I'm fairly sure I'll spot one or two black people on the way, who I can stop and give a good oppressing to.

If I don't happen upon some luckless black person, well I can always get down to the Post Office to send off that nice Christmas present I've bought for the former First Lady - a nice set of hair-straigteners, the best Amazon has to offer.

And if that doesn't oppress her, well I don't know what will.

Paywalled from today's Daily Telegraph:

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𝐃𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐋𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐢𝐟 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐚𝐧’𝐭 𝐬𝐰𝐢𝐦, 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞’𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐮𝐥𝐭?

by Michael Deacon

In both Britain and America, statistics show that black people are significantly less likely than white people to be able to swim. This may seem peculiar. But thankfully, Michelle Obama, the former First Lady, is on hand to enlighten us.

You see, it’s all the fault of white people’s “beauty standards”.

“Let me explain something to white people,” she snapped, during a live event to promote her new book about her “style journey”, The Look. “Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly pattern. So when we straighten it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the straightness. That’s why so many of us can’t swim, and we run away from the water.”

The swimming pool isn’t the only place where white “beauty standards” oppress black women, either. “[We] won’t go to the gym because we’re trying to keep our hair straight for y’all!” protested Mrs Obama, to a roar of furious approval from her audience of admirers. “It is exhausting! And it’s so expensive! And it takes up so much time!”

I for one feel suitably chastened and abashed. I had no idea that Mrs Obama was taking such pains on my behalf.

At the same time, though, I must confess that I’m somewhat puzzled. My wife, who happens to be white, has naturally curly hair. She too straightens it. Yet this doesn’t stop her from going swimming, or indeed going to the gym, both of which she does regularly. How on earth does she manage this extraordinary feat?

Obviously I don’t mean to imply that I lack sympathy for Mrs Obama and her plight. Far from it. I am extremely sorry to hear that she, and, by her account, innumerable other black American women feel “trapped” and “exhausted” by the tyranny of white “beauty standards”. None the less, I do have one small question.

Who or what is forcing them to follow these white “beauty standards”?

Are they required to do so by US law? Is there an amendment in the Constitution that decrees, “All Women of Colour, up to and including the First Lady, must abide at all times by white people’s beauty standards, even if doing so leaves them at serious risk of drowning, because they’ve never learnt to swim”? Or is it, like most things, the fault of the wicked Trump? Has he pushed through some appalling bill that compels all female Americans to have straight hair, in a breathtakingly cynical ploy to make brave Mrs Obama too exhausted to stand up to him?

I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 ‘𝐞𝐜𝐨-𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫’?

Climate change could cause a rise in illegal drug use, claims a new report. According to the UK Health Security Agency, British people may turn to “substance misuse” as a result of experiencing “difficult climate emotions” such as “eco-fear, eco-anger and eco-grief”.

I hope Irvine Welsh is reading. This could give him an exciting new angle for his next sequel to Trainspotting.

(In the finest Scottish accent): “See the reason ah’ve goat aw this heroin, officer? It’s no cos ah’m a drug dealer. It’s cos ah’m sufferin frae eco-fear, eco-anger an eco-grief aboot the meltin ay the polar ice caps, likesay. Ah need tae dae aw these drugs just tae help me overcome ma difficult climate emotions aboot the poor wee penguins.”

Still, while some people may question the claim about drug use, I think the report’s broader point is spot-on. Worrying about climate change can clearly have a grave impact on people’s mental wellbeing. Look at Just Stop Oil protesters.

Young women climbing up gantries above the M25 to film tearful videos of themselves shrieking that the approval of fossil fuel licences is “an act of murder”. Young men running on to the pitch at Premier League football matches and tying themselves to the goal posts by the neck. Not to mention Roger Hallam, Just Stop Oil’s co-founder, claiming that climate change will lead to “episodes where a gang of young men come into your house, they take your girlfriend, they take your mother, they put her on to the table, and they gang-rape her in front of you. And then after that, they take a hot stick, and they poke out your eyes and blind you.”

Do these people sound as if they’re in possession of a full set of marbles? I’m not a qualified psychiatrist. But I must admit, I have my concerns.

To help them alleviate their eco-fear. I suggest they take up a relaxing new pastime or hobby. Look at Greta Thunberg. Since October 7, 2023, I’ve hardly heard a peep out of her about climate change. Taking up sailing in the Mediterranean has clearly done her the world of good.

Anyway, I thank the UK Health Security Agency for all its hard work. Even so, I fear that it may have missed a trick. Because, given the ever-soaring cost of energy bills, isn’t there a risk that net zero will make tax-payers turn to hard drugs, too?

For the sake of the public’s mental health, I urge the Prime Minister to sack eco-zealot energy minister Ed Miliband at once.